Affair?
I have just realised that this is almost three years to the day since I discovered blogs for the first time. Three years ... about the same length as the classic affair. One year of fascination and awe at your good luck; one year of happiness and self-confidence ... and one year trying to get away. Yes ... that about sums it up.

I loved that first year so much. I even still have the link to that MaCleans article about the cool blogging community ... I was so proud that it was MY community. Not that they actually KNEW that of course .. I was a shy lurker ... but they were the ones who I read and just occasionally made a tiny comment and then ran away. I thought that they were all just GREAT .. and, in fact, they WERE.

Layne, Dainty, Joshua, Badger, Ryan .... with all your scarily witty friends and commenters .... and your wild lives and wilder memories ... it was the most fun I'd had for years.

And then I settled into it .. and got my own blog .. and some of the scariest people turned into really good friends and I knew better what to say in comments so that there wasn't a deafening silence. And so I got used to it.

And then ... turned into now.
- posted by Iris @ 4/06/2006 03:55:00 PM (1) comments comment

 
I wonder if this whole thing is coming to the end of its natural life. This blog. I never really want to write anything here and yet I write e-mails all the time. The main reason is that I am so determined that no one who knows me should ever find it and that means that there is so little that I can put safely.The e-mails flow on for pages with no trouble at all as I can say what ever I like. And not have to hold back or try to be someone more generally acceptable.

I know that I just said that I am happy to hear commenters truthful views on what I write ... however much they disagree. But I'm now thinking that I have probably been very watered down in the past .. in American terms .. and that is one reason that I have got bored here. I remember writing something like this ages ago .. and Squid telling me that it didn't matter what I put .. I think her exact words were 'Shred away'. Hmm ... I REALLY don't think that is actually the case.

I'm just rambling aloud here .. don't bother to answer. As I said before many times I have made the most massive effort to avoid having any but the tiniest number of readers so that people who would make me scream in real life don't make me scream here. But even so .. if I am STILL not writing what really happens most of the time .. and not being totally 'myself' in case it hurts someone's feelings .. then it is rather pointless. And looking back over it all I think 'So what?
- posted by Iris @ 4/05/2006 10:00:00 AM (0) comments comment

 
Surprise.
This has all been a surprise. I suppose each person drifts along thinking that people who read and comment are mostly rather like they are themselves. Like hearing their voices in your head speaking with your own accent.

Is it just an English thing? Not only do everyone around me and especially my own family speak 'bluntly' most of the time .. but they also use sarcasm constantly. If ANYONE used the kind of over-the-top 'wet' syrupy tones that I have been seeing in comments elsewhere lately then we would assume that they were joking. I don't go around being 'bracing' or 'blunt' as some kind of lifestyle choice or to be different. It is totally NORMAL here.

Also .. fuck it .. I am stunned that it is apparently beyond the pale to make ONE irritable, sarcastic comment ONCE in three years to someone you have felt quite close to. And that it is preferable to be a sugar-coated weirdo who talks like a cheap greetings card. (Nothing about Bunny was particularly sparked off by anything here BTW .. it has been simmering around the place for weeks).

You may be amazed to hear that I couldn't care less what people say in their comments here if it is what they really think. People who I already know and respect, obviously, which is everyone who HAS been a regularish commenter in fact. What is the point of always being kind and caring (or silent) if that isn't what you feel about something I said. I'm sure it may not be mutual but I actually like you both so much more for being upfront about the Jo thing. It makes me feel at home. And it is useful and .. well all right .. just useful .. to know how things come across to readers in far off lands.
- posted by Iris @ 4/03/2006 06:55:00 PM (0) comments comment

 
Truth
This may be a mistake .. but then again I live here and can theoretically write whatever I like.

I have read Jo's writing since her first ever post and because we also 'know' some of the same people I have felt part of a little group of on-line friends for about three years. I am so sorry that she is going through such a horrible time and am in many ways totally sympathetic and think about her in a well -wishing way .. every day.

BUT .. her blog seems to have been taken over by new commenters who write all the time. And not only am I not in tune with them but I actually disagree with the majority of their advice and also find them beyond annoying. To the point that every time they speak I would like to answer briskly and .. oh no ... even rudely. I didn't realise that people who said such ludicrously sentimental and cliched things .. and in such a sanctimonious and smug manner .. actually existed in 'our' world.

So .. I have had to back away. And was moved to be hostile lately .. really because 'they' made me so angry. It is late at night here and that often makes you loosen up and say what you really mean. What I really mean is that I am sorry and upset that these strange and dreary people have taken over someone that I once liked a lot. While mush and gush might be comforting in the short term .. maybe not so good a few months in the future. But then again I am not American .. so what do I know.
- posted by Iris @ 4/02/2006 12:57:00 AM (0) comments comment