Barn.
I am going to write about gardening in a dull way .. but it sums up what happens to me ALL THE TIME.

When we bought this house it was a working farm with no real garden but several small paddocks close around .. which we made into lawns and flower beds and a large vegetable enclosure. In this was a once pretty small stone barn which had been patched up cheaply and hideously with breeze blocks and iron sheeting. After many years of discussing and reminding and finally screaming (on my part) .. my husband eventually agreed to ask the local builder to replace the roof sheeting with clear plastic stuff and the block sides with windows ... so that it would turn into a charming greenhouse and we could actually use it for tomatoes etc. The vegetable garden is done in an ornamental way with large flower beds and a pond in front of this barn and so it would all suddenly look attractive and even 'normal'.

The only problem was that every Spring birds appeared and nested in various parts of the building and obviously had done back through the generations. Jackdaws in a collapsed chimney and swallows swooping through the holes in the walls to build inside. So I efficiently got this plan moving in January so that the incredibly simple work would be totally over before the birds turned up in late March. The chimney would be left alone and part of the window glass empty so we would all use the barn together.

I had stood in front of the barn with my husband pointing out that the iron sheeting could be ripped off and identical .. but clear plastic .. sheeting nailed back on .. in a couple of mini-seconds. But it was now March and NOTHING had changed .. and the birds were due shortly. 'Where the f.ck are they?' I said. My husband rang and 'spoke' to the leader of the builders. 'Hmm .. yes ... well it all turns out to be far more complicated than we thought and they will have to rebuild the roof entirely. The special plastic covering comes in completely different sizes to the present iron and needs more support or it will collapse under heavy snow. They haven't got time to fit all this extra work in .. so we will have to leave it till the Autumn'.

'What 'special' plastic .. every other shed in the county has corrugated stuff on the roof?'. 'Oh .. didn't I say? We chose a new kind which comes in larger thinner sections but it has a cutting edge 'coating' which evens out the temperature inside ... slightly'. 'OMG ... I am living in MAN WORLD.' (The one where every simple journey from A to B somehow has to include a detour round M and N). 'LISTEN .. I have a revolutionary plan here ... CANCEL this stupid f.cking stuff instantly. Instead ... order the original roofing, whose pieces are identical in size to the old so that NO new supports are necessary .. and it will take five minutes to replace. So they HAVE got time to do it now'. 'But .. won't it get really hot inside?' 'NO .. because we will also buy conservatory blinds which are everywhere and cost nothing and ... just DO it'. He did .. I am stunned to say.

That afternoon the builder rang and told me that he had ordered my kind of roofing .. it would arrive the next day and they would start and finish work within the week. Leaving a good fortnight or so before bird nesting is due to begin.

My entire life is an endless repetition of scenes like this. I don't have any money of my own so my husband has the final decision on any work on the house or large purchases of furniture etc. We have lived here for more than ten years but vast amounts still need to be done .. and he puts off EVERYTHING .. always because of some bizarre complication that he has discovered or the need to find some antique component which never turns up. He only occasionally gives in after I am reduced to hysterical screaming in frustration. People who work for him constantly go through the same kind of nightmarishness so it isn't our 'relationship'. His manageress rang me in tears of fury only a few weeks ago after the ceiling had fallen down in one of their main rooms .. a YEAR after she had started pointing out the loose plaster to him.

At Christmas I had a long discussion with my daughters about the ridiculous level of unnecessary crapness of here and the flat in London AND the workplace because he will NEVER make any decisions or agree to anything and yet always has the final say. At various points in this 'little talk' all three of us began to cry .. like his manageress .. out of fury and hopelessness. That is another of the reasons why I am here .. at least here I can make many small decisions that slip past him unnoticed. In London he sees all and notes all ...

Every conversation any of us have about this and 'him' leads inevitably to someone saying .. 'It's no good .. we just HAVE to win the L0ttery'. And somehow .. pathetically and insanely .. that seems to be the only answer.
- posted by Iris @ 3/07/2006 11:46:00 PM comment