Real.
I was staring at my husband as he bustled about making a piece of toast. 'I bet you have absolutely no idea who you really are', I said conversationally. His eyes shifted sideways and he ran the water to fill the kettle .. loudly and at length ... until he felt that all danger had passed.

It was on my mind as it had only recently occurred to me that, possibly, it is not getting older that has made me feel more relaxed and 'centered' but my having this prolonged period where I have removed myself from society. One of my 'little tests' for how I much I REALLY wanted to wear something .. when I first realised that I had lost the 'core me' ... was 'Would you put that on if you lived alone on a desert island?'. The answer seemed to be, 'Only if I was keeping up some fantasy that I was about to be rescued by a launch filled with merchant bankers'.

Soon after that I decided to be based here and AM living on a desert island-ish. But through the miracles of internet shopping my old dress sense has been reborn .. and .. somehow typically .. whenever the odd launch does pull up the occupants often say 'That's nice. Where did you get that?'. Words that I never seemed to hear when I was dressing to impress .. or just fit in.

Whereas I am almost certain that my husband doesn't own a single article of clothing that projects his exclusive, original inner being. Everything was chosen for practicality or snobbishness or because he saw someone he admired wearing it or his children gave it to him to 'lighten up' his appearance. The only time I even glimpsed his inner R0binson Crus03 was when we were window shopping in Paris, years ago, and one designer had as a centerpiece ... a peach coloured, silk trenchcoat. Gay..hay! I can hear you thinking but the designer's skills had somehow produced a garment that was not only insanely glamorous but also totally 'rugged' in spite of the colour. My husband's eyes gleamed .. I could see him visualising himself walking confidently through some European city with the eyes of exotic women flicking after him. 'Just GET it', I said, 'And keep it for wearing when you are abroad'. 'It costs thousands of pounds, look...', he replied sadly. 'And anyway ... '. And anyway he never would have worn it because it was just too big a jump from the habitual suiting and tweed. Putting on that coat would have involved dragging up from the depths a whole buried side of his personality and that would mean 're-thinking' and even 're-assessing' and a change in comfy old habitual behaviour. F.ck it .. why buy an expensive raincoat when the old one has plenty of years left in it?

If .. like I did .. you left your old spontaneous self back in the past somewhere and coped with various life changes by adapting your behaviour .. and your clothes ... then taking a long, tough look at your wardrobe produces some keen and surprising insights into the depths of your psyche. I'll bet that half the clothes will be too young for you and the other half will be too dull. (Or if you are my husband they will all be too old). Where are the clothes for you as you are this actual morning? Mine are all piled in heaps around my bedroom on my desert island ... and when the bankers' boat appears over the horizon I expect they'll think I look a bit 'unsuitable' .. I'm finally glad to say.
- posted by Iris @ 2/22/2006 10:05:00 AM comment