Odd.
This whole post just wiped itself ... except for the title ... so that really is odd. I will write it again, but it may have lost its freshness ...

Anyway .... as I was saying ... I was feeling nostalgic today but then I remembered that the nostalgia had no meaning ... as it wasn't real. I mean L@yn3. Yesterday my daughter managed to go to two different pop concerts. One was L1v3 Ate and .. another ... where she was thrilled to unexpectedly find raH raM. 'He came off the stage right next to me .. I could have run my hand across his body, except that he was all sweaty'. 'So he was bare then?' 'Of course'.

The only reason that she knows and loves him is that a couple of years ago, or more, L@yn3 wrote about going to one of his concerts in Minneapolis and how amazing he was and how she wanted to have his children. And I was struck by this and ordered his CDs, sight unseen, from Amaz0n that very night. And luckily really liked him and passed them on to my daughter who had never heard of him. And he soon after turned up in England (and seems to be still here) where NO ONE had heard of him .. and we were both able to be cool and casual about knowing his stuff already. And I was reminiscing about this inside my head when I realised that L@yn3 was actually that weirdo and the whole thing was just a creepy story ... and she didn't want to have his children at all because she was a MAN .... Cr@p!

I just went down to refresh my drink and more plaster fell off the ceiling under the stairs. And I was reminded of one of my favourite films - 'La V1e du Chat3au' with C@ther1ne D3neuve. The part where her mother is playing the piano and every time she hits a thunderous note a shower of plaster falls onto the keyboard. I know you would like it ... it is really funny and C.D. is so gorgeous.

Every morning now I wake up and lie there trying to make a life changing decision .. which is based on a dog. Last week an old friend of mine came to see me and we realised that we are both doing exactly the same thing. We live here in suspended animation, carefully ensuring that nothing specific ties us down so that we are 'free' to go to London or abroad at any moment. Except that we don't. And we don't really want to. So our life here is quite empty and sterile and our life not here doesn't exist ... and the days drift along.

So the time seems to have come when I throw myself into this. And live like a 'real' country person in a way which means I have to get up and out every day and there are (horrors) 'other people' around doing things so I can't stand vaguely in the garden unobserved by human eye. I am pretty sure I would be happier. Probably. And the first step is to get some more animals ... more demanding animals ... like a dog ... or TWO dogs. And the next step is to get a horse ... or (you guessed) TWO horses. And then take back the fields and own the cows and the sheep ourselves ......... and llamas have become strangely popular round here. Mainly because you never have to kill them .. you just build up your herd. I am not a complete fantasist - I am not looking after them on a day to day basis myself. That is where the 'other people' come in. It will all be very different. I can imagine a rosy version of it ... and a grey version of it. But however grey it might be I think how things are now is not so good. And the most I want to go away is two or three days in London at a time and surely my husband or a child could be here with the dogs then. A holiday for ten days or so, very occasionally, doesn't mean that the house has to be left empty? I think I have to do it. Give things 'life' somehow. But maybe not decide THIS morning? What do you think?
- posted by Iris @ 7/04/2005 02:43:00 AM comment