And..
The reasons I am not divorced are 1. I sounded out the children subtly many times and they immediately got insanely upset. 2. Our money and business is tied up inextricably and we would have lost so much and possibly ruined the business if it was split up. 3. I couldn't bear it if my husband had any more children because I don't want to deal with all the crap that that would mean. 4. I couldn't bear it if he was happy with someone else because he doesn't deserve it. 5. I am older now and I don't want to be sad and alone while he is springing around as if nothing had happened ..see 4.

The main feeling I have is a terrible disappointment in him. I don't believe that being faithful all your life to one person is the most fulfilling way to live. I think there are many relationship possibilities and you must choose what feels right. But I came to this point after years of thought and difficult mental 'work'. I spent vast amounts of time with clever, academic people deconstructing ourselves and reading and trying to start again mentally without preconceptions and it was really hard. And I thought my husband was the perfect person to be with because when I met him he was naive but seemed unusually open minded and ready to try a new way of being. And was so surprisingly unjudgmental ... bitter, bitter laugh.

But my whole point, the vital part of this, was that you had to respect the other person and talk to them constantly and treat them as your FRIEND. And .... most crucial ... you had to be totally honest. Or they looked stupid and couldn't make decisions because they didn't have all the facts and I especially didn't want that situation where the past is ruined because when you look back you realise that nothing had been what it seemed ... because the person had been LYING to you. This takes courage and I really think that I had and have it and I stuck to those rules and took the consequences and put up with his behaviour when it was fair enough because I had done the same thing. And because of me we were friends and everyone said that they thought we had one of the best marriages they knew.

And then his life opened up with his new work and he was out and meeting fun people all the time just when mine closed in with three tiny children. And running around selfishly was just not an option. AND we had discussed having a third child and I had said I feel too old and the gap is too big and I don't want to do all that any more. And he had begged me to do it and promised that we would 'Be together on this'.

And then fucked off when I was trapped and fat and no longer a 'player' and lied about everything and left me out of everything. And wasn't the man I thought he was in any way at all. And slowly ignored my influence to the point where I might as well never have met him as he is now a dull, upper middle class snob who goes to the opera and shooting and is passionate about wine and 'knows practically nothing of popular culture - thank god'.

I feel as if I am living with my grandfather. If my grandfather had been a total cunt.

SO ... to analyse or not to analyse. The thing is that I am perfectly fine. HE is the one who is in desperate need of a good look around inside - but he would never understand that or care. Why should he bother? His life is perfect .. and especially if the children are happy with him again.

Oh, Grrrr. and F.ck and Aaarrrgh!
- posted by Iris @ 4/11/2005 12:23:00 PM comment