Fear.
This morning I am gripped by an all-encompassing fear. It is dark and raining; the chestnut tree now has an unmistakeably orange tone; it is Autumn. And I'm not sure I can take it.

SIX MONTHS are on their way of mud, weird scary weather, biting freezingness and evenings that start soon after lunch. Even if I pull myself together and have people to stay there is nothing for them to DO in the Winter and to a normal city person our house is very, very cold. I need backup and I am not going to get it. The Summer free spirit skippiness of enjoying the fact that I have no relations is waning with the hours of sunlight. Oh god, even if they were social workers who wore sandals with socks like many of my husband's second cousins at least they would be obliged to listen to hours of drivelling about whether my son is happy or not. That is what 'family' does.

That cleansing of my address book a few years ago was obviously disastrous. I was at a very low point (so what's new?) and some self-help article said that you should stop seeing anyone who didn't make you feel good about yourself. I was a bit over-zealous with this and found that meant that I didn't want to see anyone. After cutting many phone conversations short and using unconvincing excuses to stop old friends from dropping in, I am out of the loop now for reciprocal ringing up and moaning drearily about domestic problems.

I just don't feel up to supporting all my children through a Winter of things not working out. I don't feel up to sorting out two children's birthdays which both come near enough to Christmas to use up all your ideas. I don't feel up to organising an entire Christmas all on my own and making it fun especially as, of the few local families that we would normally see for drinks or something, one had that horrible tragedy last month and the two with children of the right age are going AWAY to have Christmas abroad because they have decided it is too dreary down here.

How does one change like this? When we first arrived the whole place seemed magical especially as it actually snowed for the first two Christmases. It is like some foreigner's dream of olde worlde charm and people pay huge amounts to rent houses down here for the season. I keep imagining a perfectly possible parallel universe where things are exactly the same but I have 'snapped out of it' and am springing around smiling. That is all it would take.

I have thought before about trying to live in the moment. About the ridiculousness of shutting down for half the year. For many people round here the summer has to be got through before the h-nting season starts again and life begins. So if you loved riding or skiing the sight of the dropping leaves would have you leaping about, energised. When you are lying around in August, fanning yourself, you think of the pleasures of wood fires and charming coats with (fake) fur-lined hoods and watching TV in bed while rain beats on the windows. Why am I, however, always sitting morosely in the moment thinking about its crap aspects and how some other moment would be so preferable?

I was thinking about the 'strength to carry on' and where it comes from. I suppose it is the life force. At times I have physically felt as if I was reaching down - (it seemed like the bottom of my stomach, is that where it is kept?) - and pulling a reserve of strength and 'coping' up into my brain.

Maybe the 'counting your blessings' thing is helpful. People with a positive attitude are supposed to live ten years longer, aren't they? So how come I am still here? And in the paper yesterday a survey had found that students who kept personal diaries were far more prone to anxiety and depression than those who didn't. (But it was stupid as the point was that they wrote down all their worries and sadness and then often re-read it - so that makes it meaningless in general terms.) I feel better already after moaning on here - it helps me sort through superficial feelings which are sparked off by, today, waking up to a thunderstorm and my parcel containing the trousers I was going to wear tonight not arriving. If I hadn't delved a little deeper here I would be stuck in the top layer of feeling maybe all day.

Right, I will try making a mental list of blessings and rest positively in this moment. Autumn ... how cool is that?

- posted by Iris @ 9/10/2004 10:00:00 AM comment