Alone.
I was reading some of Badger's posts and then links and thinking how sympathetic they were and more 'like me' than the people I see in real life. (Apart from my children). But then I realised that they are only like part of me. All these nerds and computer geeks and gifted children sound as if they should be so isolated and lonely - but there are endless versions of them out there with vast amounts in common. Once they get into the right stream at school or the right university department they are in a huge throng of like-minded people. I don't think I've ever felt 'at home' anywhere or with anyone. Except when I've been madly in love I never particularly miss anyone I know when they are not there and I don't really miss any place. I haven't been to London for two months and I was saying to my son some of this including the fact that I wouldn't mind if the flat and all its contents just disappeared. And it is a beautiful flat and I have lived there for more years than I care to tell.

It sounds pathetic but I feel as if I am always going forward hoping to find the perfect 'home' environment or the perfect group (or even just one) of friends. I have a reputation now amongst people I have known for years and like well enough for being rather meanly careless about wanting to meet or even talk on the phone. They ring up saying sadly, 'Why do you never call me?'. It is hard to reply that I had almost forgotten that you exist - so I don't say that and make up some little lie.

I have a horrible feeling that I have become like this from too much reading. I learnt to read very easily when I was four and my father was an academic, literature obsessive. He refused to allow a TV in the house until I was fourteen and then my mother bought it secretly against his will. Until I was about twelve I read a book a day, sometimes more. I spent every penny of my pocket money on books and for my birthday and Chr1stmas I asked for books - and nothing else. I can still picture clearly the pile of book-shaped parcels under the tree and my screaming with happiness as I unwrapped each one. But I was not a nerd. I was popular and cheerful and keen on fashion and part of the 'cool group' although not at its centre. I would sometimes talk about my reading to their puzzled faces but most often not. I usually had some secret nerd friend who happened to live near me or who took a class with me apart from my normal companions. We would have deep fascinating talks about literature and they would go on about how shallow my friends were and what did I see in them. Well - they were fun..

When I was older things seemed to divide up so that most of my 'fun' friends were pretty, charming, gossipy girls and most of my 'serious' friends were boys. This worked out quite well except that somehow the boys who loved literature were rather self-involved and annoying and the boys I really liked were scientists who only read factual stuff. This is all quite long ago - before thousands of tough, clever, confident AND fashionable women oozed out into the sunlight. Then, for some reason, anyone with brains also had terrible dress sense.

Anyway ........... my head is full of a million other worlds and (as I often repeat, except when I am with my children and by no means always then) almost no moment of this real world ever feels like home. The only time it approaches a kind of 'fusion' is when I am totally dulled down(or maybe loosened up) by drinking and am suddenly on the same wave-length.

I don't know why I am writing this - it sounds really stupid but ever since I was a teenager I have felt disconnected from the normal flow of human life. As if I were another species with different reactions. This is not apparent to the untrained eye .. it goes on only inside my head. But I can't count the number of times I have seen that sudden contraction in someone's eyes when I give the 'wrong' reply during their gentle burble of conversation.

I remember now why I am writing this. I was moaning at my son for reading so many f@ntasy novels and not getting a large wodge of decent literature into his brain before he goes to university. 'If you have never read or even heard of .. (insert long list of classics)... people will think you are f@cking stupid AND your chances of switching to English will be ruined'. The words 'Yeh, yeh, yeh ...' came in reply. While stomping off, fuming, I then began to recall my own teenage years and what my intensive reading has led to and this then returns to the top of the page .....
- posted by Iris @ 6/01/2004 10:43:00 AM comment