What a difference a few hours make. I was rather happy this morning as it was sunny again and I had made the positive step of arranging the holiday. Which would cheer up my son and possibly me and January was about to be over.

Then I was talking to my husband on the phone and he was being annoying and suddenly out of my mouth came the words, 'I can't stand all your dreary friends and it would obviously be better for both of us if we led separate lives'. I was so surprised that I put the phone down. And he did not ring back. On the principle of once things are crap you quickly do the other dreaded things you were putting off, so it is all crap at once, I opened a letter from my father which had lain around for two weeks. I have not spoken to my father for three years since all the tiny meannesses on his part ended in a last straw. I had a feeling this letter would contain something I didn't want to hear so I had so far not heard it. He said that he was 'touched' that I had 'remembered' him at Christmas (a tiny gift) but his season had been very quiet as he had been 'not too good'. And that was it. Oh what does that imply? He has flu or cancer? Oh for f@cks sake.

I know it is a bit of a jump from my describing my life before I met my husband, to this. It is just such a long story of only average interest that I haven't been able to drag myself to the keyboard to write it. The thing is that in films when Nerds get confident they turn out amusing and wonderful but in real life that is not always the case. My husband has not only recently been through a protracted and very irritating midlife crisis. (Casual tone, 'Funny, I was waiting at the bus stop and the woman next to me thought that I was eighteen'). But, by an accident of life and work, has been placed in a position where he is surrounded by 'fun people' who are all very nice to him as he is either their boss or landlord. Giving him the impression that many of his observations and remarks are either clever or funny. At home his family's response is rather different and more realistic. He also drinks a lot. And when drunk even a little bit becomes aggressive and spiteful on a sliding scale.

I don't know what to do. In this immediate case I can brush over it or even apologise and I expect it will be soon forgotten, (unless he has rushed off, thrilled, to the divorce lawyer). But in the long term? I will be very honest here. I have thought about divorce on and off for years but I kept hoping that he would maybe go back to being the perfectly nice person that I married. If he didn't, I really couldn't bear him getting married again and having more children, so I would rather struggle on than let that happen. If he had any money to pass on I wanted MY children to have it and I also knew I couldn't take watching him poncing about happily with someone younger who hadn't realised how hateful he could be. And I couldn't bear him having a 'second chance' with children after being such a crap, absentee father with ours. Also I knew that I would NEVER want to marry or even live with someone again so I would be 'facing my old age alone'. My children are totally with me on this whole thing. I think my older daughter actually hates him and had spoken to him only a handful of times in the three months before she went away, (they live in the same house). My son finds him exactly as I find him and has very little to do with him but has a more silent approach. My middle daughter works for him part-time and gets on with him quite well at 'the office' as she says that he is a totally different, pleasant and reasonable person there. Where everyone, including her, has to do exactly as he says. But she gets much snappier and more exasperated by him when they are at home.

The main thing is that he is dull. He never makes me laugh. He doesn't like 'popular culture' in any form and has a blank and despising lack of understanding of the pleasures of 'trash'. He doesn't understand people and takes them at face value a lot and when I point out obvious flaws like manipulation, exaggeration and showing off, he shouts that I am hyper-critical and no one likes that in a woman. My older daughter and I have seriously wondered if he has border-line Asperger's syndrome as he is so lacking in empathy and is obsessive about tiny detail at the expense of the 'big picture' to a bizarre degree. He also seems incapable of seeing anything except from his own point of view and often thinks that people who think differently are 'mad'. (Usually me). He latches onto things and people (also once me) and thinks that they are totally wonderful and then after a bit drops them and thinks that they are totally crap (again - myself).

But, but... people who work for him and come across him in business would tell you that they really like him and he is 'quite an old sweetheart' as one assistant said to me when I was edging in a veiled meanness. He has a slightly shy, charming air with people who he thinks are useful or admirable in some way and is also pleasant enough with anyone who he can control.

The 'other him' is confined to drunken outbursts when crossed and general nastiness at home whenever he senses the mildest criticism. Which is fairly often as he is very annoying in little things stemming from his complete self-absorption. As we don't always want to do the same things all of us have made our bedrooms, in London and the country, into bed-sitting rooms with TV's, music etc. Except him. He has refused any of these and has spartan, freezing bedrooms with one harsh light and piles of old socks. He therefore has to always be in the main room watching the TV channel of his choice or playing very loud screamy opera (even and always at breakfast time in the country - the opera). Which dominates the whole house and makes everyone else tense and ratty. The atmosphere when he isn't there is fun and happy; when he is there is polite, dull and vaguely uncomfortable.

For a long time when we were first married I was considered the 'fun' person and he was the nice, rather amusingly naive partner who pottered around in the background opening bottles of wine and went to bed early. He seemed thrilled to have me and accepted his role. Then, when I had my third child and was bogged down in dutiful stuff and also no sleep for a year, he took on a whole new job and also became a landlord and started to think that he could be just like me. But he isn't. And by then the being like that was no longer appropriate as the children had to come before selfishness and partying. He wouldn't accept that and didn't and left all the drudgy, dependable day to day being there part of parenthood to me. And he was really drunk almost every day and didn't come home until late at night and we didn't want him to.

So.................there you are. That is it without any of the fascinating details. When Nerds Go Bad.

As I said - I have no idea what would be the best thing to do. Any suggestions welcome.

- posted by Iris @ 1/29/2004 06:23:00 PM comment