This is like the day of a thousand posts. Maybe I should not have written all that especially as I left out all the interesting interwoven strands and people. It was just such a shock to be thrown from one way of being to another in a few seconds. The stupid thing is that my husband has actually been much nicer over the past year and seemed to be making some sort of effort. That has probably led subconciously to me being more aggressive and letting out ages of pent up fury. (I used to deal with him being horrible in public, particularly, by going quiet and trying to get everything over as quickly as possible so it stopped being embarrassing). I used to 'literally' feel my blood boil, a really weird sensation, when he said putting-down things and I was in situations where it was better not to start an argument.

This total turn round in the balance of power in our relationship started after I had my third baby and he wouldn't sleep more than two hours consecutively for a year. I felt sick and foggy and like screaming for large amounts of the time; right up until the day when I was sitting on the floor looking out through the french window onto the balcony. And he crawled briskly across my view ON THE PARAPET. He had pulled himself up on a huge plant pot. I sat still for a moment and through my head went the reasonable thought, 'If he falls off I will be able to go to sleep'. I had to use an effort of will to spring up and hurtle towards him. The next day I went to the doctor and cried and he said, 'Why on earth didn't you come to me before. Give him two spoons of this at bedtime'. My son slept normally right through that night and for the next two years until I weaned him off the medicine. (Then he slept badly again but by then I could bark 'Go back to your room' and turn over).

But from that time onwards I was not the same. It was as if the combination of the birth and the prolonged not sleeping had caused chemical changes in my body. I was nervous and unselfconfident, even when drunk, for years. And I found it absolutely impossible to get back to being as thin as I was before being pregnant although with the others I had been even thinner after a few months. As I got lurkier and more reclusive my husband became more and more confident but not in a good way. He got rude and sneery with me and with the children too and it all escalated until I felt crushed under it and retreated inside and stopped reacting. Then lots of years went past and things happened which I will talk about some other time. And about two years ago I started to notice that I was feeling as I did before my son was born and then soon I was normal again. Odd. And immediately as I grew stronger my husband started to get less confident and horrible and recently has been almost 'nice' for quite long periods of time. So my choosing to have a sudden confrontation maybe leading to divorce is perhaps rather idiotic. But it came out of nowhere - unsought and unplanned.... and may well again.
- posted by Iris @ 1/30/2004 12:41:00 AM comment