I am interested in little signs and indications that Life throws around. I don't usually act on them but note them and sometimes ponder pointlessly. I haven't written anything because I was thinking of giving it up. When I started I thought that an answer to this difficult time would emerge and that there might be a pattern in the memories which came up. All that happened was that I didn't reveal any of my true problems because I felt sad and whiny putting them down and also that it would be impossible to portray the trivial facts accurately enough to show things as they are. Also I didn't feel that I could really talk about the past because I don't want my children to find this and be upset. (Nothing major - they don't like any talk of 'wildness' and bad behaviour to a really surprising extent). But the present problems are rooted in that past.

So the writing turned into a fairly cheerful, would-be amusing skate-over of day to day life. Although I suppose that was what I was doing in reality. Then one morning I was thinking about 'I, ssAhole' and how talented and funny she is and about that one day when she wrote a sad post but immediately deleted it. When people asked her why she said something like 'This blog isn't here for things like that'. I hadn't read her for a bit as children had dominated the computer over Christmas, so I went to have a look and found that she had broken up with her husband and had been miserable for ages without showing a sign. I had been thinking about her that day as I had decided that writing about Life positively made things better in reality and so was a 'good idea'. Then a few minutes later, there is the proof that this is not the case. What sort of sign is that?

I was also quite struck by my having decided to write more from 1 January and then my blog disappeared on 31 December and fell to pieces, parts of which have never returned. What sort of sign is that?

Today, when I sat down to write, I was joined by one of my cats who normally never, ever comes upstairs. She lives permanently in the kitchen by the stove and if you carry her up she breaks free and runs back down like a wild thing. (Maybe because her mother rules the top floor from my bedroom). I wasn't actually joined. I found her in the computer chair and had to move her, struggling, (both of us) to a seat next to me with the computer chair cushion on it. I was scrolling down 'Favourites' to start writing and paused to get a cup of coffee. When I came back she was sitting on the keyboard and the screen was displaying the old 'golBathon 2003 ' page which said 'Thank you for your pledge'. And what sort of sign is that?
- posted by Iris @ 1/17/2004 02:08:00 PM comment