My son made the Sausage Sauce. And perfectly. I felt an old familiar feeling which I couldn't quite pin-point; then it came back to me. The warm satisfaction of finding that your child has actually been made happy by following one of your suggestions. How rarely that now occurs.

I thought that I wouldn't write about my children much as I am so sure that they will eventually find this. Then again I am so fond of them and we normally get on so well that the odd cruel and sarcastic comments could surely be taken in their stride.

Anyway, I am so cross with my eldest daughter that I need to write something down. She has just e-mailed from India to say that she is not coming home for Christmas after all. I would, (probably), mind a bit less if I hadn't known all along that she wasn't going to come but she was too cowardly to say so before she went. (As I wrote some weeks ago in this very journal). She has an open ticket and was returning on 20 Dec. but has now extended it for six weeks. We are in the middle of an e-mail row as she told me I was 'over reacting' by sending some sharp comments about her change of plan. OVER REACTING? The first time we have been apart for Christmas in our whole lives? And I need her to water down her brother and sister irritating each other and back me up when my husband becomes too anal.

I should have been born under 'Libra' as I am always too ready to see both sides of any question, ( actually born under 'Leo' which is definitely the coolest sign), but in this case I am just furious. It has taken me many years to realise that the more sensible and objective you are the more people treat you like crap. They talk about you with respect and come to you for advice but then feel free to ignore your feelings and behave carelessly with your stuff because you will 'understand'. The first time I behaved like a screaming maniac with one of our neighbours when finally pushed 'too far' was a stunningly eye-opening experience. They backed off and down within a matter of moments, after months of niggly notes and even a lawyer's letter, and I hardly heard from them again.

'Unreasonable' is always good because it makes people stop and think about you. They brood about what you said and try to make sense of it. They make an effort with you rather than ignoring you; even if it is just to get you out of the way. Of course, they don't like you so much but at least you aren't a high-quality door mat.

I could easily and wetly have sent my daughter a charming message wishing her a happy holiday and saying that what is one Christmas in a life-time. But, in fact, wouldn't you rather feel that your family is upset that you won't be with them? Even if it makes you guilty it is also really flattering. Obviously I will send the wet message nearer the time but I don't mean it and as I am going to suffer on the day it seems fair enough that she should suffer a bit now.

It is also tied up with her travelling-companion boyfriend and this under-currents all our e-mails. It is a strange phenomenon which I have noticed amongst many of my older friends. Their children, at about 18, start going out with someone they (the parents) really like. Because they (the boy/girl friends) are still relatively young, they come round to the house a lot and in fact end up like a surrogate child. One who is in many ways more sympathetic and charming than their own children. It is such a relief that someone so well-suited to the family ethos is going to marry their son/daughter. At about 22 the son/daughter dump the perfect person for no particular reason except that they feel 'too young' to be so settled. The person is devastated and still comes round to talk to the parents and probably sees a lot of any brothers and sisters too, who 'Can't understand it'.

Quite soon afterwards the son/daughter takes up with someone totally unsuitable in any random way which their family will find quite unbearable. Usually dull, hideous with low-paid job (as boyfriend) or slutty, stupid, manipulative, possibly pregnant not necessarily with their baby (as girlfriend). They then either marry them or torture everybody by living with them for ages while pondering marrying them. Any attempt at sensible dialogue on the family's part, like late-night drunken screaming, 'WTF are you thinking? I can't believe that I gave up 20 years of my life for you and you end up with THIS'. Only seems to lead to defensive shouting about the family being too crass and 'up themselves' to 'get' boyfriend/girlfriend.

You probably see what the 'undercurrents' are in my own mother/daughter relationship here. It is hard for me to understand as she and I not only look very alike, (someone drunk stopped her in a restaurant recently saying, 'Iris! My God it must be 25 years and you haven't changed a bit'.), but have always been on exactly the same wavelength. We like the same books, clothes, films etc. and until now, the same people. Out of every possible facet - how could she pick the one I really, really couldn't bear? Someone with no sense of humour.
- posted by Iris @ 11/19/2003 01:42:00 PM comment