I was going to delete the last post because it was self-pitying in a really boring way but that would defeat this whole purpose. My life has reached a 'crossroads' and I have no idea what to do next. I thought if I looked at the past a bit or saw some pattern in what I chose to write about each day it might be helpful.

Also, I've looked at other people's archives and they often take time to get into it - and go for months without anyone commenting.

My elder daughter left for India last week, for three months travelling around fairly randomly with her boyfriend. She is trying to think what to do with her life too. I think that I depend on my childrens' company too much, so the next three months seemed like a deadline to make some positive changes. She is meant to be back by Christmas but has an open ticket and a shifty look. She is called X... She was filling in forms at the bank and the cashier said, 'Initial?'. 'X'. 'Don't mess me about, I'm really busy'.

My next daughter is called S... and has everything totally under control. She is working in the fashion world and will probably end up incredibly famous, as she has no fear and seems to have fate completely whipped.

My youngest child is a boy, M... , and is clever, handsome and really amusing but can't see this himself and spends much time brooding about his inadequacies. He has just left school and is meant to be setting off on a Gap year filled with interest and broadening of mind but in fact is still hanging about the flat in London taking illegal drugs.

Unfortunately I am perfectly happy in their company and prefer them to all my friends. I am an only child and they are like the brother and sisters that I always wanted.

But, this has to stop. I have to get out and spend time with people my own age. Large numbers of my old friends are dead. Far more than seems to be the average amongst my acquaintance.
Naturally the funniest and nicest and, frankly, the more famous all had to die, while everyone that I hate is still here. Actually just one person that I can't stand died last year, not all that young, and when I said 'Thank you, God ... finally', my husband was shocked. I am a big hater, so many people are so totally crap and when you have made an effort, as I have, to overcome elements of your own crapness you don't easily forgive it in others.

I tried to work out why my friends were all dying because I was worried that I might be part of the same pattern. And I am. They were all the same personality type, which is why I was drawn to them. They were all intelligent and cynical and horribly, pointlessly, self-critical. They all died of different things because they used different ways to dull their thin-skinned reaction to life. Though drink, drugs and cigarettes covers most of them.

The ones that I hate are pretty much the same type too. They are all unusually selfish and self-obsessed and that makes them careless and unkind and unrealistically pleased with themselves and their very ordinary achievements.

I suppose the trouble is that I feel that I have wasted all the 'gifts' that I was born with. I am really lazy. I can do nothing for days on end and I am never bored. I read all the time, usually a book a day, and think and potter about and start little projects. I can't bear to wake up in the morning and know that I have definite things to do at definite times. Of course, for most of my life I have had things to do but I used to quite regularly take days off from work and stay at home and do nothing, or I felt I would have gone mad. It feels so odd to be clever and articulate and artistic and practical and good-looking and sympathetic and amusing and to have such an unambitious, uncompetitive and unselfconfident personality. What was God thinking?
- posted by Iris @ 10/03/2003 11:53:00 PM comment