I have wasted three hours trying to make comments work. Perhaps it is better without.

Outside the window it is a joke idyllic Autumn day. Chestnut trees on the hillside in many attractive shades of russet, orange leaves and conkers all over the grass with dozens of pheasants picking through them and various sheep posed about charmingly. A pale blue sky with wispy clouds and a low sun.

How is it possible to have what appears to be such an enviable life and yet to be filled with a constant background feeling of sadness, lack of 'self esteem' and, (I hate to say it), 'what is it all for'?

Why is it that some people are born ugly, poor and not very clever and yet they have confidence and energy?

Years ago I did a course of 'Voice Dialogue'. It probably doesn't exist anymore, but it was a 'personal growth' thing run by a charismatic American, where you spent several days in a hotel with talks and mental exercises. I was writing about it for a magazine but did the whole thing seriously as part of the article. They told me that my 'Inner Critic' was the strongest and nastiest they had ever come across and that I should get professional help. Of course I never did. My critic told me that it was weak and pathetic to get help when I should be able to manage alone.

Until I was six I was bouncy and outgoing and really popular at school. Then suddenly I was paralysingly shy. Literally. Often I was unable to speak. Especially in front of strangers, or groups of people or if taken by surprise. I was so self-concious that if I dropped something in the street I would just leave it because I didn't want anyone noticing me picking it up.

Apparently this is a known medical condition. It appears classically at around six, like me, or in your late teens. Now it is treated with Prozac and tends to go away by itself after a couple of years. I have had it all my life, but luckily have been able to 'be myself' when I am with familiar people and also when drinking heavily. It has the effect of blocking alcohol, so I can drink a huge amount without seeming drunk, just a really fun, outgoing person. Who says some pretty weird things. People who've met me at a party have often not recognised me, sober, in the day time.

As this is objective writing I feel that I can say that I was unusually attractive when I was younger. I was also keen on fashion and bought French magazines and copied their ideas. It was part of the feeling of inadequacy that I needed to look as perfect as possible. Before I moved to London I was brought up in a provincial university town, not famous for sophisticated dress sense. This meant that while I was totally neurotic about being noticed, I seemed unable to stop myself from wearing clothes that made me stand out from everyone else. I was also invariably pursued by confident 'ladies men' types as I was incapable of signalling my interest to anyone I actually fancied. To the extent of refusing to even dance with a boy that I was secretly suicidally in love with because I couldn't stand anyone even suspecting how I felt. Then had to put up with him going out with my best friend for months.

I know this all sounds like typical adolescent agonising but I never met anyone who was as affected by shyness as I was at that age. Or who went on feeling the same for so many years.
A doctor I once consulted about it said, 'Well, if you won't consider the Prozac, then - this is probably the only time I will ever say this - I advise you to keep on drinking.'


- posted by Iris @ 10/03/2003 04:45:00 PM comment